http://digg.com/television/Colbert_Humbles_Kanye
Oh, Kanye, I’ve got some news for you…
[Ed.]I think that this is pretty hysterical, especially since I didn’t think that I’d have to write about this again. More importantly, proceeds from the Colbert album go to Feeding America. Go check them out as well as the Colbert Christmas album.
11 months ago
http://digg.com/political_opinion/New_tape_confirms_Obama_Not_Born_in_the_U_S
5 hours before the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, Barack Obama is alone with this thoughts, in his office, working on his speech.
“This is the last thing in the whole world I want to do tonight.”
“Who is Alfred E. Smith? Is he that guy from MAD Magazine? No, that was Alfred E. Neuman. Better Wikipedia that guy before I leave find out who he is.”
“Is this a roast?”
“Note to self, no gap tooth Mad Magazine jokes. That kills ‘em in Illinois, but probably not here.”
Obama picks up the remote and turns on the television. Scrolling through the menu of titles.
“Come on HBO, don’t let me down”
“Shit, McCain is going to be there tonight. I’ll put him in his place, conservatives calling me a messiah or some shit like that.”
“Note to self, make a joke about being baby Jesus”
“Hot damn, Superman Returns, just started. I fucking love this movie”
“I love Superman”
“Jerry Seinfeld loves Superman, I bet we could hang out together.”
“I bet when I am President, Jerry Seinfeld and I can hang out all the time.”
“Note to self, call Jerry Seinfeld after the election. Talk Superman. Avoid taxation of the super rich.”
“Jor-El, what were they thinking when they came up with that name”
“Sounds like a hand lotion or something”
“Hands feeling flaky, try Jor-El, WTF”
“Stop procrastinating Obama, think, what am I going to fill 3 minutes with.”
http://digg.com/comedy/Help_Colbert_take_the_1_spot_from_Kanye_on_iTunes
One night, a few months ago, in Stephen Colbert’s Comedy Central Office.
Stephen reads an email from a member of his staff stating that Kanye West has once again declined to do the show. The staff member was able to get Kanye’s cell phone, which Colbert promptly dials.
Kanye West: Hello (loud music plays in the back)
Stephen Colbert: Kanye West, it’s Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report.
West: Uh, man. I appreciate the offer, but I really don’t want to do your show, man.
Colbert: Kanye, I’ve never called a potential guest before to ask them to be on a show. I have people for that, you have people for that, but here I am. I want you to be on the Colbert Report.
West: You know, Stephen, I just don’t do talk shows. I love your show, it makes me laugh, but I just don’t do them. It hurts my artistic integrity.
Colbert: You have a teddy bear as a mascot, what type of artistic integrity do you have?
West: Come on, Stephen, don’t be a hater.
Colbert: Seriously, I want you to come on the Colbert report, it will be great for you.
West: In what way will me being on the Colbert Report be great for me? You’ll ask me a bunch of silly questions designed to make me look dumb, your audience will chuckle, you will look like a hero, but I don’t see how that is helping me. Besides, didn’t you see, I’ve got the number one album on iTunes.
Colbert: The questions aren’t designed that way, (long pause) but you bring up an interesting point about being number one on iTunes. What if I could oust you from your number one spot? What if I had the number on album on iTunes? Then would you be on my show?
West: You don’t even have an album out…
Colbert: Never you mind those details, I will have the number one album on iTunes and you will be on my show.
West: Whateva Stephen. If you can some how knock me off the top spot before the end of the year, I will be do your show. Better yet, I’ll be your theme music for the night.
Colbert: It’s a deal I’m looking forward to having you on the show
West: Whatever (hangs up)
Colbert hangs up the phone, smirks a little and hollers through his closed door “Get me someone with clout in Viacom’s music division!”
http://digg.com/apple/The_Simpsons_mocks_m_Apple_2
“G-R-O-E-N-I-N-G” I yell into my more or less still new 3G iPhone. My phone, while perfect when I first got it has continuously been dropping calls and crashing. The damn thing has become close to worthless and those brainiacs at the Genius Bar keep blaming AT&T. The phone used to work and all of my friends phones work too, even when we stand next to one another, so it is hard for me to blame the carrier.
Shit, the call drops again. I look at the phone and it is blank, black slate of glass. Crash again. Reboot. Redial. The infamous Apple support phone tree. Ack. Press 5 if you would like to report regicide, I think to myself. I get a slight grin.
Frustrated by this ordeal, I finally get some smarmy support agent online to supposedly help me out. He obviously doesn’t care all that much. Again, for the umpteenth time, I explain the problem. He almost replies with ‘Meh’, but he can sense in my voice that I would not appreciate it.
He walks me through all of the standard support questions that they ask. I swear, there is a file a foot deep on me with these same ridiculous questions over and over.
I lose it. I go on a tirade unleashing every bit of pent up anger I’ve accumulated over the past 5 or 6 weeks and unload on this smart assed little hipster on the other line. He listens patiently, then asks “What are you going to do about it?”
http://digg.com/comedy/Self_Esteem_8
I sat there, in the waiting room of my local plastic surgeon, staring down at my chest. Tiny little misquito bites as some of the kids in high school called them.
In my right hand, I held the flyer for breast augmentation surgeon, the perfect C-cup. The doctor assured me that it was routine and that all would be well and that I’d love my new breasts. In my right hand, I held the waiver.
In my head, I just couldn’t sign.
12 months ago